Some days seem harder than others. We have all said that to ourselves and to our friends and colleagues.
Today started for me as a ‘harder day’ than others. So, I decided that reflection was necessary to pass through the day and get to evening. And in the reflection, I thought about this past year and what makes this day ‘harder’ than others.
No sooner than I put the thought of reflection in my mind, my past year started to pass by my mind’s eye. This past year was full of surprises, most bad at first glance. And that is the key phrase I will continue to relate to as I scribble today’s thoughts and awarenesses – ‘at first glance’.
Almost 3 years ago, I opened an expanded version of my business. And in that expansion a partnership was created with a new way of thinking and working with staff, vendors, past clients and clients to be. As time moved on it what was exciting –but fatigue, depression and confusion followed, leaving me astonished and full of denial for what ultimately would have to be a decision in changing lots of what I was working for in my career. No doubt, closing the business was the only way out. Separating a business partnership and the relations with staff and clients became a process of learning how to make life take meaning, for so long, in these past 3 years, my work became robotic and unrewarding. The day was filled with projects that were not equitable in many ways – financially, hours worked, and most importantly, the day was filled with joyless unemotional hours taking me from the business’s heart – Dancing! The business of being with people and teaching people a way to enjoy life through dance was turning superficial and almost a hoax as I did not enjoy that part of me that I lived and worked for during the past 37 years. Something had to stop. So I did, I stopped.
Making the choice to close the business and downsize was sort of easy once I slowed down enough to make some observations. Lack of business structure was what I saw stepping back and viewing it from a distance. Being busy and working does not replace stepping back and making observations. Stepping back and making observations helps growth, whether that growth is business, personal, emotional or spiritual. Another observation: Not only was I falling, but the business was falling and it could not stable itself. No one was stepping back and making that observation. Part denial and part fear.
“Stop being proud and take charge - even if it means going someplace you don’t like”, I said to myself. I knew that many people would not understand my choice, or even respect me for my choice. The façade of the business looked prosperous. It looked ‘high end and high brow’. So it left people confused as they fell prey to the illusion. Shortly, after my decision, people talked... they do, we all do…everyone had the answer! Everyone had the answer, but it was not the answer I chose, making some unhappy and more confused. But the answer truly and only lives in the questioner. And many, many friends and family saw and listened to my question and viewed it as ‘Laurence’s question’. It is easy to give advice, criticize and make plans for someone else… believe me, we’ve all tried and I’ve done it too!
A year ago, a friend and I were seated at a roadside restaurant on Congress Street getting ready to enjoy a day that was crisp and fresh and welcoming the change of season. The area was the usual -people buzzing about, traffic, people or all shapes and sizes, ages and social status, just being out – at lunch time – doing what the day brings. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a hooded person crossing the street, just wondering around in the square. I paid no attention – it’s the usual kind of pedestrian traffic that hangs around the area. Back to the menu… then a scream! And the guy was on fire. My friend and I looked awkwardly at each other and the situation. For me, with so much reality TV and shock value programming I thought it may be a prank to see who would respond. Grotesquely, it was not a prank. My friend ran across the street and grabbed a carpet from the front of a store; I took off my sweatshirt to pound the fire out. A man jumped out of his car with a fire extinguisher using it to lower the flames and another man slapped the fire with his clothing. The young guy kept screaming “Just let me die! Just let me die!” The fire was mostly out. I was looking into his eyes, his gaze was scared and helpless and he kept saying ‘Just let me die” quietly almost in a whisper. I am a Reiki Practitioner, but unable to touch him for his own physical pain, I passed Reiki to him holding my hands just above his legs and trying to calm him with my eyes and looking at him lovingly. Once the firefighters and ambulance got to the scene, we were all able to go back to what we were doing before this horrible and tragic event happened.
Back at the restaurant, we looked and the menu unable to even read or choose and item for lunch. Lunch seems so pointless. We decided to walk back to his office. The smell of smoke was on our clothing. Later that day, I found out that the young man was a relative of my friend. He was more surprised than I. The young man dressed in bagged gasoline soaked clothing could costume anyone to an unknown status. As I sat in my car, I texted another friend telling him of my experience. The text was unreal to type. I sat there and cried. I could not imagine how someone could get so low, low enough to light a fire. I was angry at society; families; schools; friends; churches; help centers… I was mad and frustrated at everything wondering how could this get by all these opportunities and organizations; loving friends and families; anyone? I wanted to know this person and just be their friend; be there to listen and be the one to acknowledge their life is precious. Life does not have to be easy – but all life is precious. We all need to know we mean something to someone and to the world –for we are precious. And we are enough.
From burning man to closing my business, today’s ‘harder day’ that usual seems so unnecessary to be identified as a ‘harder day’ than usual.
From the reflection of this past year and re-crying for the burning man, I imagined this day to be one of many days I will appreciate. This day should not to be labeled in any other way than ‘thankful’. A thankful day. I always say to my friends when they get caught up in a crazy day “Breathe Deep and Walk Slow”. And today, I had to take my own advice.
(I chose to take out the names of my friends in respect for their privacy and personal reflections they may have. Doing this prevents unsolicited dialogue that may be uncomfortable.)
