One year ago today, John passed away unexpectedly while on a family vacation.

That was the saddest day of my life.

I never said, “Why did you leave me?”

So today I share my thoughts. I am not a writer, it’s a stream of consciousness. 

I have been sad, but never dark. I have been confused, but never in denial. I have been able to move forward, but I have not moved on. These are three components of my unexplainable grieving process that no one can really express and put into words, although that is tried millions of times by millions or people who are grieving. Everything said about grief is cliché. The obsession with putting grief into words, by one’s own grief, or advising someone who is in a state of grief is a common pastime in our society. (my opinion).  Without insulting or dismissing any friends or family, the support I have been gifted has been heartfelt. But all words of advice on grief fell on deaf ears. 

I have walked this path of grief my way and without the advice of others, without the ‘I know what you are going through’ advice. Hearing someone say ‘it will get better’ was often an insult and I would share that for me, and my understanding of my personal experience with grief, it doesn’t get better. It just becomes different, each hour, each day and forever. This is my own understanding, something that I accept as the way I will move forward. I accept it not as a burden, but as a path based on true love. True love doesn’t go away. But that true love does not cripple the future. John and I talked about what would happen when one of us passes before the other. The resolve was to not live in darkness, to not stop living, and to not forget the blessings of our love life for those are the lessons that will help move forward. 

I have thoughts on the difference between ‘moving on’ and ‘moving forward’. There is a big difference in my philosophy. The difference became anchored in my heart and mind after a person, in their advice to me in dealing with loss, told me that after a year, I would be better. I was offended. But that reminded me that people say things to also help themselves through their own grief and loss. So, I let it go. Why carry that comment in my head and heart?

I am fortunate that I have a small tribe that I can trust deeply, for their ‘lack of advice’ by just being there and hearing, the skill of a great chaplain. Although, I have learned, not all chaplains listen, reminding me of their own possible struggle with grief and loss. 

The year of first is another theory that is often referenced. I have used the concept of the year of first with others I have talked with regarding grief. For me, the year of firsts is the preparation for the year of seconds, which prepares for the year pf thirds, and so one. It takes me back to my philosophy that I am moving forward, not moving on. And repeating this is not a life sentence or a burden, it’s a reminder of the true love I had, or maybe more truly, have for John. 

My tribe consists of 5 people. My sister, who is the ultimate listener. My best buddy from my teen years who I’ve known for more than 50 years and who has always provided council for all of the journeys in my life. My best buddy from my most recent decades in Maine, who sadly and unexpectedly passed away a few weeks ago at 44 years old, who, along with his husband proved a more local and regular check in for me. And two Chaplains, whom I speak with weekly, one for 13 years now. They additionally provide ears to listen allowing me let Spirit come into my body, mind and soul. They both have mentions that I am ‘witnessing my grieving’, making me aware of the reality of my journey without John. The tribe has been instrumental, allowing me to feel safe, and seen on a regular basis.

This first year has been full of bittersweet rewards. Many of the things John and I have planned for 2025 into 2026 have been accomplished, from home repairs to yard work projects. The plan to socialize more and make new friends was a big part of the plan too. Moving here from Maine, we left our community. Then covid hit and socializing was closed. In addition to John’s excessive work to complete his PhD., which he did. We were free to move around, enjoy activities and start building a community. That was the plan after coming back from the family vacation. Stepping back into these activities has been tricky. I have had encouragement not only from my tribe, but the most unlikely people that John and I came across in the past few years. I honored the invitations to join in these regularly things that John and I did, and it enabled me to be brave enough to try new things with new people. Often, I would get the urge to text John and to tell him what I was doing, or I would ask myself, ‘Would John like this person, this group or activity?” Bittersweet blessings. I treasure these sometimes-awkward moments.

So here I am, stepping into the second year, without reservation, without judgment of how the first year went, and with a full mindset to do as John and I talked about when one of us would be in this position – ready to continue moving forward. 

I was blessed to have John for the 15 years of living fully with him and I am blessed to carry him healthily in my heart.